Sarah Powell

Kids! It’s FRIDAY! The weekend is here and even if you’re stuck in stinky work take some time to put your headphones on or take lunch early, stick this on and think of all the mega things you’re going to do with your two days off…

ANY EXCUSE FOR A PARTY: The rain has stopped for 20 minutes! That could be sunshine you know…

I’ve chosen this in tribute to Andrew Wetherall who’s playing Audio in Brighton tonight for A Love from Outer Space. There’s still tickets HERE

xox

We’ll kick off… with Queen of Veins, Madonna, who will do anything to shy away from publicity as you know. Madge joined Twitter this week with the intention of ordaining us with a single tweet, but obviously has a lot more to say and has ended up scrapping.

First up was Deadmau5 who called her out for making drug references at a gig. Apparently Madonna asked the crowd “Who’s seen Molly?” Surely a reference to her losing her make up girl, until you realise it’s actually the LA street slang for MDMA (she’s so down with it.) The DJ, who was playing the same festival, responded eloquently telling her to “f*** off you f****** idiot.” Madonna came back with some wooly excuse about it being a reference to some song she sang once, which the producer seems to have bought and they’ve made friends and will probably make an album and live happily after.

Round two was with professional gob-on-a-stick Piers Morgan who tweeted to remind her “You’re still not welcome on my show.” Rather than crying herself to sleep over it though her manager just tweeted back a copy of their request form to get her on. *titter*

In other news… Robbie Williams has managed to over come that problem of ahem, rising to the occasion, long enough to impregnate his wife. Well done Robbie. It’s going to be a girl called Roberta, so that’s that surprise spoilt…

Who better to make Tulisa feel better about that whole sex tape debacle than… Kerry Katona? Yes our Kerry has reassured her saying of the chap who owns the willy in the video, “ee probe iz a sertain tipe ov blorke” and she shouldn’t worry too much. If anyone knows about disgrace it’s Kerry who has somehow managed to retain a column in OK! Magazine. She went on to say “we all experiment with sex tapes” (we do Kerry?) then instantly forgot that and said “Have I ever done a sex tape? No! It’s bad enough doing it in front of your partner, never mind watching yourself back doing it – besides there wouldn’t be enough tape to record it all!” *vomits into laptop*

Victoria Beckham says she’s “just like an ordinary woman in the street” A street in LA where the pavement is swept by size zero fairies, theres not such thing as dairy and baby grows only cost $2500.

And finally… There’s just no pleasing some people eh? Brian May has said he’d have liked to have been in AC/DC

GOING UP: April Fools. Richard Branson “launched” his latest mission to take a select few to the centre of the earth

GOING DOWN: Petrol. And the threat of a strike.

BEEN LISTENING TO: Alot of Desert Island Discs. The Johnny Vegas one is very good.

WATCHING: Twenty Twelve and Noel on with Mark Lawson

NEW HAUNT: The Yard in Hackney Wick. Rooftop Film Club is doing screenings from now til 14th, we saw Spinal Tap there last night and had the best halloumi ever. All summer they’re doing offbeat dance and opera and things.

TWITTER: @blackcabsessions. Always worth watching one again…

CRAP GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Lady Gaga wears veils because she’s in mourning for the world problems. Still love her.

BEST THING IN THE WORLD EVER: The new Amy Winehouse collection at Fred Perry. I will be buried with this jacket…

Sources; MTV.com, heatworld.com, themirror.co.uk, themetro.co.uk

xox

The Big Ones is going on holiday for a couple of weeks so will see you when I get back. Be good.

The Big Ones comes a little late this week. This is owing to my being “up north” doing a cover show on Xfm. I just needed to get that in. Thank you if you were listening.

We’ll start with some celeb gossip so good I thought I’d dreamt it. Attending the 60th birthday party of portly shop god Sir Phillip Green, Kate Moss (obis) and Gwyneth Paltrow happened upon each other on the beach. The story goes Kate was having a fag and a bag of Walkers when Gwyneth jogged past with a green tea vaporiser and hemp based manicure. According to shamed rag The Sun, Kate said, “Oi, what you out jogging for?” Gwyneth fired back, “So I don’t look like you when I get old.” So far this is excellent, but in retaliation Kate apparently tossed some crisps over her and followed it up with “Why don’t you eat some f****** carbs?!” Amazing.

Remember the bizarre but utterly compulsive 48 part “opera” R Kelly wrote about cheating on his girlfriend, hiding in a cupboard and something about midgets? Trapped in the Closet? (If you haven’t YouTube immediately and cut yourself off from the world until you’ve watched it all) Well thankfully the sad dark times without any new instalments are over… R Kelly has decided it’s time the world got more absurd wardrobe hiding goodness. In a suitably delusional quote he’s revealed “I knew after the first chapter that I had tapped into something that was not of this earth… not only am I ready to reveal what the package is, but I have more chapters to share.” Goodie.

Soaps… the last port of call for actors bored of not having a steady income and tired of trying to play servant 3 for the RSC or understudy Jonny Lee Miller at The National. The day would come when pretending to be a barmaid at the price of being accosted in the street for your latest pretend affair seemed the right thing to do. But no more! Now it turns out it can be quite the spring board for a respectable career beyond running a fake cab office and shagging a bookie (unless you’re Denise Welch) Look at Becky offa Corrie in period dress in a play and everything. Now some girl off Emmerdale (we know lots of people are watching it, but who?) has landed herself the role of Dr Who’s new lady. Jenna-Louise Coleman, best known for snogging a girl on the farm, has been announced as the Time Lord’s companion. She’s well chuffed and it also means Karen Gillian can fulfil her lifelong dream of marrying Steve McDonald.

But in real life… Forgettable but shiny pretty boy Max out of The Wanted has been missing his squeeze, pretend barmaid Tina out of Corrie. So much so he’s turned to food to cope whilst he’s away on tour in the US. What a fool, everyone knows drinking is the only proper way to drown all sorrows.

And finally… Lana Del Ray might be at it with Marilyn Manson. Pass it on.

GOING UP: Shellac. You have a manicure, it fuses to your nails and it lasts THREE WEEKS.

GOING DOWN: John Carter. Has lost Disney $200,000 so far and set to be one of the biggest flops EVER. Dear me.

BEEN LISTENING TO: New Santigold, The Long Blondes and Lana Del Ray

WATCHING: Corrie! It WAS the mother! Plus The Voice then BGT then The Voice then BGT. Repeat to fade

NEW HAUNT: South Bank Centre. For Pimms, Ping Pong and excellent presents in the shop.

TWITTER: @Lord_Sugar. “Do you think when Nick is taking notes he is actually drawing a picture of Margaret?”

CRAP GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Because Jason Donovan can’t stop telling us he shagged Kylie, and what else is he going to tell Piers Morgan, he’s revealed where they first went at it. It was in a Sydney Travelodge. Nothing short of class that man.

BEST THING IN THE WORLD EVER: A 24 hour cupcake ATM is coming to London! How have we survived this long without this kind of access?

xox

Stevie!

Dammit… The most irritatingly beautilful and goddamn likeable couple in Hollywood, Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling, have NOT split up. Despite rumours he was seen with some German model or something it’s been denied and, like a new mother, they’re “doing fine.” One day, he will be mine.

However as one door closes another opens… Leonardo DiCaprio says he’s never found true love. In a head swooning melty interview he was asked about his first love and, with an achingly cute use of “boy” he replied, “My first love? Boy, I don’t even remember. I suppose if I’d found my true love I would be married right now, wouldn’t I?” LEO!! Over here Leo!! HERE!!!

And there’s always Prince Harry… During an enforced interview as part of Granny’s Diamond Jubilee preparations he says he’s single and struggling to find a girl who will wear sensible heels and sit through military engagements looking enamoured. What Harry should have done is bagged his princess at the height of his pot smoking/ falling in fountains/ naughty boy fancy dress days. We’ve all now seen what Kate has to go through in pencil skirts, sipping sherry at the polo and it all looks a thorough bore. Harry knows it as well, “I’m not so much searching for someone to fulfil the role, but obviously, you know, finding someone that would be willing to take it on.”

“Soap actors in dairy shocker” story of the week has got to go to pretend chav Shone McGarty and her on and off screen boyfriend Matt Lapinskas who appear in Eastenders as Whitney and Anthony Moon. Basically they went to Asda (not sexy) picked up yogurt (possibly sexy but probably not) and “got suggestive” with it (about as sexy as Anne Widdecombe doing a sex tape with cottage cheese.) A terrified onlooker said “It was disgusting. The man was opening up pots and looked as if he was throwing it around. Then the girl started to smear it over herself in a suggestive manner.” I have so many questions…

And finally… Just in case you decided you did care about the love life of former chav and talent finder Tulisa since she split up with Fazer of N-Dubz fame, she’s not going out with Mark Wright she’s going out with some bloke called Jack from Skins.

GOING UP: Chocolate philly. It’s actually as good as they’re making out…

GOING DOWN: Rihanna. Called a “bad role model” by very good role model Will Young and told to “stay away from that Chris Brown and stop drinking so much” (or words to that effect) by her former vicar. Dear me.

BEEN LISTENING TO: The Maccabees, Niki and the Dove and The All Seeing I

WATCHING: The Tube. BBC2 Monday nights. So good and makes going on the underground so much more fun.

NEW HAUNT: The Lonsdale in Notting Hill. Tres jolie.

TWITTER: @QuintinForbes. Just very funny.

CRAP GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Ke$ha says her new album “is the dawn of cock pop.” Yes dear, very nice.

BEST THING IN THE WORLD EVER:

xox

sources: heatworld.com, nme.com and A Girl’s Guide to Taking Over The World