“Dont get your Honey where you make your Money” has become one of The Big Ones sacred mantras following an ill advised liason with a breakfast show producer circa 2007, so completely understands Dannii Minogue not coming back as a judge on The X Factor. It’s one thing to have to avoid their eye at presentations and tea making in the kitchen, quite another when you’ve got to sit next to some guy you bonked who then put it in a totally over publicised book. Always one to wade into a debate after the moment has passed, Louis Walsh has piped up saying he saw the off screen “romance” coming, saying Simon’s “eyes would always be on her t*ts, never anywhere else.” Always one for forward thinking, he said his dream line up on the show would be HIMSELF, Sharon (they’re still very good friends apparently) Dannii and Simon, which wouldn’t make Dannii feel uncomfortable at all I’m sure.

Sudden fame can do strange things, but whereas most stars instantly lose 3 stone and shun their former “fat” selves which were just fine before everyone wanted pictures with them, thankfully this year’s BGT winner refuses to conform. Apparently Pudsey the dog has put on a lot of weight in the past week owing to all the treats everyone keeps giving him. The other day he posed for a photo and was rewarded with a cheese ball. Despite it being unclear what a cheese ball is, if treats are now the preferred payment I’m happy to strike any pose you like.

In much the same away we knew a Twix a day probably wouldn’t keep the elasticated waist bands away, we knew trainers wouldn’t really make you thin but you’ve got to have a dream- especially if Kim Kardishian says that’s how she got her bum so hot and she wouldn’t lie now would she. In highly upsetting news, it turns out Sketcher’s Shape Up trainers DONT aid weightloss. It also turns out for them to have any effect you’ve got to walk round in them rather than sit infront of Emmerdale, so we’ll have to go back to Plan A, eat less and go to the gym. WAH.

In one of the greatest denied rumours of all time, Micheal Caine has had to assure us he did not get trapped in an attic. It had been claimed on the new play he’s doing everyone had gone home not realising he was trapped in his dressing room overnight and it was only when a carpenter (?!) came to work the next day he was released. However, Michael has trounced the rumours on Twitter stating, “Just read another story about me being locked in attick (sic), completely false,” which begs the question, how many times can you expect to have a rumour about you being trapped in an attic?! The Big Ones awaits their false trapped accusation with eager anticipation.

And finally… The Big Ones lives for a totally unlikely bizarre career move that comes out of absolutely nowhere, so did an over excited 6 year old going to Disneyland stamping dance when the news came in about Chris Moyles in Jesus Christ Superstar. Who the HELL would have thought it? As if it wasn’t enough, Melanie C as Mary Magdalene? Am expecting to wake up from this news any moment and find it was a terrific showbiz dream.

GOING UP: BBC 6 Music. Again. Sony Award winning Station of the Year. Of course.

GOING DOWN: Coats. It’s overcast yet I’m far too hot. What’s a girl to do…

BEEN LISTENING TO : New Kaiser Chiefs, ace. No really.

WATCHING: Grandma’s House. The only other thing which really makes me laugh out loud when alone is The Simpsons. This week’s was the best yet.

NEW HAUNT: Shepherd’s Bush Empire, or “Shepherd’s Minge Empire” as Ana Matronic called it last night.

TWITTER: @UberFacts. Cypridophobia is the fear of prostitutes. FACT

CRAP GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Amy Childs has launch her own range of “hair vajazzles.” They’ll look spectacular in the rain.

BEST THING EVER:

xox

Sources: digitalspy.co.uk, NME.com, heatworld.com,

I have to confess I didn’t fully understand the importance of her music until last night when Ana Matronic did a great tribute to her. I hadn’t realised Donna Summer provided the soundtrack on those dancefloors which were the only places where two men could dance together and hopefully not get arrested in NYC.

So thank you to Ana for enlightening me and for Donna for being a true disco angel.

ANY EXCUSE FOR A PARTY: President Obama is now backing the legalisation of gay marriage in America.

xox

Her banter as always was hilarious, name checking Age Concern and she did a really stunning tribute to Donna Summer. Let’s have a Kiki MUST be the new single and also deserves a mention for a some phenomenal dance moves.

Ana, I adore you, let me know when you want to go out for gin fizz and tattooes.

xox

Exceptionally good Ana quotes…

“No booing the heteros..if it wasn’t for them *your* gay asses wouldn’t be here!”

“That girl has the personality of a piece of toast. I would rather hang out with terrorists than her.”

“I can touch you but you can’t touch me. Lapdancing rules apply.”

“I’m sweating like a blind lesbian at a fish market.”

“We may look like Disney on ice, but we drink, we swear, and some of us even engage in sodomy.”

xox

Women. It’s so hard to find the right sized one. Too big, too small, too angular, when will there be a woman who is just right? Not even clothes horse and cockney gone NYC Mulberry muse Alexa Chung can seem to please. After recently posting a photo on Twitter to outcry of “she’s too thin!! My eyes! My eyes!!” she’s now been forced to confess she just can’t put weight on, a close friend helpfully agreed “she eats all the time.” The question here is WHAT is she eating all the time? If Alexa needs any tips about late night chocolate caramel digestive scoffing or “How to Add more Crisps into your Daily Diet in 10 easy steps” she need only ask. Otherwise she’ll have to be content with looking good next to catwalks and in belted macs.

Following the England manager news and the consequent “witty” headline in the Sun, the real victims of the new announcement are being revealed. Shaun Smethers is a professional Harry Redknapp lookalike had lined up a series of appearances for this summer’s European Championship. He even has dyslexia just like Harry. What’s he going to do now eh? Now he just looks like a man who gave his dog a bank account.

Adele, if you needed another reason to really like her this might clinch it. Well and truely living the dream, she says she wears her joggers and pyjamas round London. Obviously she’s claiming it’s some disguise to stop her getting mobbed in public, but we all know the joy of spending the day in leisure wear and it’s the only way to make an Asda shop bareable. If fame does ever come close, I will spend most of it in a onesie.

Perhaps one the greatest incentives for those embarking on the quest for stardom is the chance to use the phrase, “Don’t you know who I am?!” towards indifferent bouncers and surly door girls. The fact this line has an appallingly low success rate doesn’t seem to stop celebrities hoping that pointing out their own unnoticed fame will result in horror stricken faces, a torrent apologies and general self loathing for those who mistook them for normal people. The reason celebrities will keep touting this line for the rest of time is the exception to the rule, in this case Isla Fisher. Recently attending her husband’s film premiere, Shannon offa Home and Away was told she couldn’t get onto the red carpet. It was only when she shouted pointing at Sasha Baron Cohen, “that’s my husband!!” she was ushered through.

And finally Jedward are going to carry the Olympic torch in Dublin as part of the road from Athens to London. There’s a obvious joke here about a dangerous amount of hairspray so near a naked flame so do feel free to insert your own punchline.

GOING UP: 1940s fancy dress for this Gina’s 40th birthday this weekend. Sexy. As. Hell

GOING DOWN: Weetabix Golden Syrup. Almost as vile as Oatabix.

BEEN LISTENING TO: The new Scissors Sisters album. Ignore Only the Horses, the rest of it is awesome.

WATCHING: Planet Earth Live, More Sex Please we’re British and Terry Duckworth being vile in Corrie.

NEW HAUNT: Franze and Evans on Redchurch Street, Shoreditch. One of the best meals I’ve ever had in London and Frances the waitress is delightful

TWITTER: @GeorgeMichael, for his torrent against the British press and why the Leverson Enquiry is pointless. Plus a few revelations of his own experiences with the corrupt media “I was going to save it for the memoirs, but f**k it”

CRAP GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Alex Reid was Tom Hank’s body double in Saving Private Ryan

BEST THING IN THE WORLD EVER:

xox

Sources: popjustice.com, DigitalSpy, The Metro.

DJ Fresh is a massive guilty pleasure and if we look at these beautiful people in the heat of the generic (probably LA) sunshine we can pretend we’re there with nothing else to do but break dance…

ANY EXCUSE FOR A PARTY: It’s the weekend already. God love the 4 day week.

xox

It’s hard for celebrities these days being so busy…. Add to that having more than one small child and a stress related incident is just waiting to happen. So you can imagine between choosing what she should wear to match her baby and sucking a bean sprout once a week for her food intake, Victoria Beckham hasn’t really got time to sort the recycling or make sure every child gets in the car for the schoolrun. It’s understandable then that she hopped in her Land Rover, stuck the iPod on (Spice Girls) and got half way down the road only to realise she’d left Brooklyn in the kitchen. She says she felt “such an idiot” realising she’d forgotten to get him. Surely the real question here is why a grown THIRTEEN year old needs reminding to leave the kitchen and be “put” in the car. If this were the case the Powell children would rarely have arrived at school. Our instructions were brief and shouted up the stairs, “get down here and get to school!” Any further need for details would have been met with pure annoyance and no toast.

From one Spice Girl to another… and she’s well into fashion as well. Geri still hasn’t forgotten how much we liked that Union Jack dress (for about half an hour) at the Brits (that once) and has now based part of her new summer collection for Next on it. Whilst Geri does look nice, The Big Ones can’t help but wonder if the various flag based maxi dresses and muscle back vests do have a faint whiff of Nick Griffin about them. More pint and an additional flag attached to create a cape rather than lying out on a Dubai beach.

What… do lads get up to on stag dos eh? Get horribly drunk and get hands on with a stripper? Get horribly drunk and leave their passports in a Turkish baths? Get horribly drunk? Well you can only imagine the tricks JLS had planned when they took Marvin away to Vegas to celebrate his last few days of single boydom. NOT ONLY did they all turn up wearing masks of his wife to be (Rochelle offa The Saturdays) they also, get this- went topless by the pool!! No really, one picture of the “do” included JB “on the phone.” Imagine the nights on the town with two Bacardi Breezers each and a go on the 2p machines.

On the other side… despite being about 14, seeing as band mate Una has got a baby Rochelle says she wants one now.

Lee Ryan, famous for loving his mum and getting his bum out, has added to the list of greatest showbiz stories of mistaken fame of all time. After somehow qualifying for jury duty the presiding Judge said she recognised him. He smoothy replied “If you like music, you might have done.” Turns out it was actually because he’d bought a horse from her. He wasn’t allowed back.

And finally… Dappy got charged with a fight at a petrol station. The best thing was the newsreader on ITV lunchtime news sniggering at his real name, Dino Costas Contostavlos.

GOING UP: Jumpers. Says who it’s Spring?

GOING DOWN: Minstrels. They’ve definitely changed. Best way to really test them is to each a full family bag. Each.

BEEN LISTENING TO: Brand new Garbage. They’re back! 7 years, thank god.

WATCHING: Marley. The new documentary about Bob. Really great.

NEW HAUNT: Common Bar, Manchester.

TWITTER: @HuffPostWeird. Huffington Post but weird.

CRAP GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Amanda Holden watched Tulisa’s sextape after Alesha Dixon forwarded her the link.

BEST THING IN THE WORLD EVER: Liam Gallagher gate crashed the Man City press conference after their win on Monday saying Alex Ferguson “must have been blinded by the lights.”

Sources: 4Music, DigitalSpy, NME

This is the first single to come from Miss Hesketh’s new album (currently untitled with no release date. Tease) and she’s playing tonight at London’s finest XOYO. Alex and I are getting our dancing boots (see what I did) so shall see you there…

ANY EXCUSE FOR PARTY: It’s only a father flipping BANK HOLIDAY!!

xox

Obviously this knowledge doesn’t extend to be able to talk about tactics or players or things but it’s good to know I can pass comment in the pub. Something along the lines of “oh yeah, Roy, West Brom isn’t he? Yeah good choice, better than Redknapp.” (I don’t know why he’s better than Redknapp but that’s what Twitter suggests so I’m happy to use their influence)

My level of interest has peaked with this excellent article by The Mirror, suggesting different owls and people Roy looks like…

xox

2. Ecstasy. About hugging, and crying.

3. This Must Be The Place. About Sean Penn in a wig.

You only have to look down one afternoon of telly schedules to see how many cookery programmes there are on. There’s actually more shows than food. FACT.

Obviously we’ve had enough Nigella thinking nothing of a boob shaped jelly mould to last us forever. Then there’s the ex-model-cum-baker Lorraine Pascale, who looks like she’s never had a belgian bun in her life.

Step forward the gorgeous Rachel Khoo and her Little Paris Kitchen! Croydon born, she studied at fashion and things at Central Saint Martins before realising how much nicer it is to actually eat, so followed her foodie heart and went to study pâtisserie at Le Cordon Bleu in Paris.

She now runs a tres petite restaurant in her front room, serving two guests at a time (the maximum I can comfortably cook for.) She also presents The Little Paris Kitchen on the telly (Mondays, BBC2) and the other night made this amazing salt caramel melty middle thing which actually looked quite easy, so I’m sold.

She makes non fussy, joyful eats with no snobbery. And she’s got stunning kitchen tiles and excellent polka dot dresses (not pictured.)